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allyoop 
Sr. Member
Posts: 368
125
 139
Well hello there!! Referrals: 0
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A Home Depot Story!
> >
> > Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was
> > missing.
> > He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
> >
> > Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a
> > customer,
> >
> > her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
> > When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
> >
> > The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.
> >
> > Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's
> > certainly out of my price bracket."
> >
> > She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
> >
> > The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to
> > get one.
> >
> > From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the
> > hinge?"
> >
> > Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the
> > faucet."
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Now that I'm older,I thought it was great that I had more patience...turns out that I just don't give a sh*t!
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MommyMachine
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A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender..... "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."  |
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There goes my baby....
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wmmeden
Hero Member
Posts: 941
224
309
autism shmautism Referrals: 0
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EEWW!!
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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
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acgofer
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A 7 year old girl approached her Dad and asked, " Daddy, what's sex?" The Dad was taken back by his daughter's question, but figured it was time to have the birds and the bees talk with her. When he was done explaining sex to his daughter, the little girl just stood there with her jaw open, and not blinking. Dad said, "Honey, is there something wrong?" The little girl replied, "Well, I don't understand. Mom said that dinner will be ready in a few secs." |
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shirlsplay
Sr. Member
Posts: 326
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. A man hated his wife’s cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home. The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there. Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, “Jen is the cat there?” “Yes, why do you ask?” answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, “Put that cat on the phone, I’m lost and I need directions.” |
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lipstick_xoxos
Global Moderator
Almighty Member
Posts: 12429
4584
7214
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That cracked me up! Makes me wonder too if cats have the reputation like dogs to find their way home from miles away. Lips |
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shirlsplay
Sr. Member
Posts: 326
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A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet, a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know $hit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
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lipstick_xoxos
Global Moderator
Almighty Member
Posts: 12429
4584
7214
Referrals: 2
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Omg i got such a visual on that one! Wouldn't that be a priceless situation.
Nice thread shirl!
Lips
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shirlsplay
Sr. Member
Posts: 326
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216
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Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
Be afraid of old ladies!
Be very afraid!
They have been there and
done everything!
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Argentina played Chain Reactors.
