Men Quotes:

Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.

Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’.

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles

If you never want to see a man again, say, ‘I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children…’ – they leave skid marks.

There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work or prison.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths.

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.

Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.

Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.

I only like two kinds of men, domestic and foreign.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Men who don’t understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

Man has will, but woman has her way.

If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

Women don’t make fools of men most of them are the “do-it-yourself” types.

Men are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.

Any woman can fool a man if she wants to and if he’s in love with her.

Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.

To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning but to a man it is the beginning of the end.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they’re both on fire – they’re exactly alike.

All modern men are descended from a worm-like creature, but it shows more on some people.

There are two things that will be believed of any man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. “Women marry men with the hope they will change. “And they are both disappointed.”

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Things to say an annoying person:

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you silly would be an insult to silly people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an .

He's not silly; he's possessed by a slow ghost.

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my Bottom.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

I don't know what makes you so silly, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.
 

Gambling Quotes


Money won is twice as sweet as money earned.  ~From the movie The Color of Money


If you ain't just a little scared when you enter a casino, you are either very rich or you haven't studied the games enough.  ~VP Pappy


For most men (till by losing rendered sager)
Will back their own opinions by a wager.
~George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Beppo"


Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing from something.  ~Wilson Mizner


The subject of gambling is all encompassing.  It combines man's natural play instinct with his desire to know about his fate and his future.  ~Franz Rosenthal, Gambling in Islam, 1975


The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.  ~Damon Runyon, "More Than Somewhat," in reference to Ecclesiastes 9:11, "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all."


In a bet there is a fool and a thief.  ~Proverb


The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.  ~Kin Hubbard


Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do, and I gave the common-sensical reply that we don't have as much money.  That was a true but incomplete answer.  In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.  ~Gloria Steinem


The typical gambler might not really understand the probabilistic nuances of the wheel or the dice, but such things seem a bit more tractable than, say, trying to raise a child in this lunatic society of ours.  ~Arthur S. Reber, The New Gambler's Bible


No wife can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.  ~Thomas Robert Dewar


The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice is so pleasurable, that I assume it must be evil.  ~Heywood Broun


If you must play, decide upon three things at the start: the rules of the game, the stakes, and the quitting time.  ~Chinese Proverb


There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune:  go there with a large one.  ~Jack Yelton


Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home.  If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed.  ~Mark Twain


In most betting shops you will see three windows marked "Bet Here," but only one window with the legend "Pay Out."  ~Jeffrey Bernard


A gambler is nothing but a man who makes his living out of hope.  ~William Bolitho


I met with an accident on the way to the track; I arrived safely.  ~Joe E. Lewis


In the case of an earthquake hitting Las Vegas, be sure to go straight to the Keno Lounge.  Nothing ever gets hit there.  ~Author Unknown


Man is a gaming animal.  He must always be trying to get the better in something or other.  ~Charles Lamb, Essays of Elia, 1823


Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit.  ~R.E. Shay



 
The house doesn't beat the player.  It just gives him the opportunity to beat himself.  ~Nick Dandalos


Dear Lord, help me to break even.  I need the money.  ~Author Unknown


A race track is a place where windows clean people.  ~Danny Thomas


You cannot beat a roulette table unless you steal money from it.  ~Albert Einstein


A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way.  ~Mark Twain


Casinos and prostitutes have the same thing in common; they are both trying to screw you out of your money and send you home with a smile on you face.  ~VP Pappy


Luck never gives; it only lends.  ~Swedish Proverb


By gaming we lose both our time and treasure - two things most precious to the life of man.  ~Owen Felltham


At the gambling table, there are no fathers and sons.  ~Chinese Proverb


Lottery:  A tax on people who are bad at math.  ~Author Unknown


You know horses are smarter than people.  You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.  ~Will Rogers


No dog can go as fast as the money you bet on him.  ~Bud Flanagan


Horse racing is animated roulette.  ~Roger Kahn


I bet on a horse at ten-to-one.  It didn't come in until half-past five.  ~Henny Youngman


One of the healthiest ways to gamble is with a spade and a package of garden seeds.  ~Dan Bennett


A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.  ~Author Unknown


The better the gambler, the worse the man.  ~Publius Syrus


A number of moralists condemn lotteries and refuse to see anything noble in the passion of the ordinary gambler.  They judge gambling as some atheists judge religion, by its excesses.  ~Charles Lamb, Essays of Elia, 1832


There is but one good throw upon the dice, which is, to throw them away.  ~Author Unknown


Games of chance are traps to catch school boy novies and gaping country squires, who begin with a guinea and end with a mortgage.  ~Author Unknown


Betting is the manure to which the enormous crop of horse-races and racehorse breeding in this and other countries is to a large extent due.  ~Richard Blackmore, The Jockey Club and its Founders, 1891


Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people.  ~W.C. Fields


The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.  ~Ambrose Bierce