Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.
Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’.
I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles
If you never want to see a man again, say, ‘I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children…’ – they leave skid marks.
There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work or prison.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.
Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
I only like two kinds of men, domestic and foreign.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Men who don’t understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
Man has will, but woman has her way.
If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
Women don’t make fools of men most of them are the “do-it-yourself” types.
Men are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.
Any woman can fool a man if she wants to and if he’s in love with her.
Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.
To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning but to a man it is the beginning of the end.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they’re both on fire – they’re exactly alike.
All modern men are descended from a worm-like creature, but it shows more on some people.
There are two things that will be believed of any man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. “Women marry men with the hope they will change. “And they are both disappointed.”
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Things to say an annoying person:
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
Calling you silly would be an insult to silly people.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an .
He's not silly; he's possessed by a slow ghost.
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends
and bring back some change!
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my Bottom.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don't know what makes you so silly, but it really works!
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.